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I've been putting this off...

I didn't even know what title to give this post because basically this is something that I've been putting off and dreading, as well as not even having much time to write.  It is also hard to write since my previous post was about how my Mom rocked Thanksgiving. This is because just over a week later, my mother had a massive heart attack and ended up on life support, which was turned off four days later.

My dear, wonderful, lovely, passionate, feisty but hurting in ways I don't think anyone could truly understand, mother has passed away.  My Momma who always listened to me and has been there for me, even if we were "fighting" always said that she would watch my daughter for my husband and I, because she never really trusted anyone else to do the best job that she could do.  Someone that would jump on the bandwagon, when my feelings were hurt or if it looked like I was taken advantage of from someone.  A person that made it all better, when I hurt.  Weather it was with medication or just getting me a wet washrag and putting it on my forehead when I was sick.   Someone that was there at the hospital after giving birth to my own daughter and basically *saved* my life, so I could be a mother today. Someone that I want here with me right now, but can't be.  Someone that I know, is in a much better place, but it still sucks for those that loved her and are left behind.

I can't even begin to express into words on this blog how hard this has been.  Not only on me, but my sweet Dad who loves her so much and doesn't know how to make it without her.  (But you will Daddy, you will.  Momma would want you to, and Theresa and I both want and need you) My sister, who even though they didn't always see eye to eye, it was her Momma too, and my sweet wonderful daughter, who thought the world of her Grandma and who was my daughter's favorite playmate when she was a toddler!  We are all in a world of hurt even still.

I feel like I am in a walking hell at the moment and I can't find an exit route to take out of it.  Because not only did *I* lose my mother, four weeks later, my own husband lost his Mother.  We have only been back in the country not even a week, and during our time in England, my daughter and I came down with either food poisoning or a nasty bug on the plane.  We were so sick in fact, that my daughter couldn't even get off the floor of the hotel room because of throwing up so much, and we both missed the funeral. Once returning from England, I also promptly came down sick again, this time running fever and now my daughter has it too. I am thankful to God that it wasn't nearly as severe as it was in England.

I just seems like it keeps getting worse.  Once returning from home, I also found out that a game I play online called World of Warcraft got hacked into.  I lost a lot of items in the game and it's not important to me.  It's a game.  BUT it does make me concerned about if I have a virus or a key-logger on my computer and if it can pose a threat to my financial accounts that I do online.  So I had to promptly cancel credit cards as a precaution and money is so tight, it's not even funny.  I am also concerned about all the photos that I have online of my Mom, taken in this last year.  I lost my saved phone messages from Mom about three weeks ago, and it broke me down in tears.  I don't want to lose anything else, especially if it's in regards to my mom/parents.  Then to add salt to all these wounds,  is the fact  of how my MIL left her will, and it's left my husband feeling hurt, confused and wondering if his own mother even cared about him.

Then today in the mail I get a wonderful letter from my child's school about truancy.  YEAH!  What Fun!  NOT!!!  So now I am wondering about the sentence that said , "We could prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law..which I do believe includes a big fine a possible jail time!  Something two disabled parents who both lost their mothers in the space of a month, needs!  So basically when it comes to fund raising at my child's school, they can piss off!

Of course this letter comes the day my child comes home running a fever, that is about .2 points from being at the level of where they state that we are suppose to keep our child home..because Heaven forbid we give it to the rest of the students at her school.  Even though they sure do like to give bicycles away to perfect attendance record holders.  Their favorite sayings is.."when you miss miss out!"  Well I would really hate for any student to miss out on what my child has, and since we are on the edge of being sent to jail, my child will more than likely be hopped up on Tylenol and praying that she doesn't puke on anyone tomorrow! Times like these is when I wished like heck we home-schooled our daughter.

So right now little Lisa is pissed, mad, sad, depressed, angry, and Lord only knows what else right now.  I keep having mini (ha ha) melt downs and I know it gets to my husband.  He's been trying really hard to make me smile and do so much for me. He's hurting and grieving too.  I am so very grateful for all that he's done for me and my family.  Especially for my Mom, when it came right down to it at the end.

I am not sure when I will post again here to be honest.  My heart and my life feels very broken at the moment.  I want to go back to being the person that I used to be, but I am unsure if that will ever happen.  When you say the final goodbyes to one of the most important people that's ever to be in your life (your parents, Your spouse, your children and siblings are included in that), it changes you.  You finally are forced to grow up in ways you didn't realize you needed to.  Or maybe it's just me, who was babied so much by both my Mom and Dad and now realize it's different and a lot harder than I ever thought possible.

I keep thinking about feeling broken and wondering if maybe being broken like this, is God's way of putting me back together in his way and his time, to be the person that he had planned for me all along.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

If I thought I could get up off my knees and not be in horrible, horrible pain ( I bad arthritis in my knees) I would be on them right now.  But I will still pour my heart out to him. I will hope and pray that all of this will soon be a distant memory, but still a memory.  Something not to be forgotten and cast aside, but something to be learned from and remembered.  Something to share with others if the need arise.  To somehow become a better person, a better Christian, because I know I am far from it at the moment.  I want to learn how to pray better and praise him in the way he deserves.  I want to murmur less, but it's hard when pressure keeps piling up.  I want to get back into church and be surrounded around other believers.  I want to get the joy back into my heart that came from him and goes back up to him in song. I pray I get that chance.